Why am I here?

It's unbelievable how tired I am. I feel drugged. All last night and all this morning, I just cannot wake up. And I'm sore as hell because there was a kick-ass AC/DC tribute band at the Dame this weekend. I kinda got into it, but it turns out I'm an old fart and now it feels like I was in a horrible car accident. I also have a giant goose-egg on my shin and I have no recollection of what may have caused that. So, all-in-all, not a bad weekend. But I'm paying for it now.

I don't really have anything to compare this to, but it seems like our little power trio is coming together nicely. We've got most of the covers down-pat and have our own sound that we've applied to several of the classics, and I really like it. And I rented a DigiTech GNX4 floor processor for my guitar. The ME-50 is going on eBay, and I'm buying a GNX4. That thing is just too cool, and I barely know how to use it yet. Once I get a new one with the owner's manual and the software... mmmmmm....

So now here I am at work, and I should be calling my partners to babble about printer sales and try to somehow make them care about it. It's basically like trying to convince kids to eat their vegetables. All day. Not exactly song-writing material. I feel suffocated in this place. I'd rather be in a place where I could meet different people and learn things I didn't already know. Right now is just repetition. Music is creation and invention. That's really why I want to move from where I am to where I want to be.

Am I really tired? I have this ringing in my ears and this swimmy feeling, but I wonder if it's fatigue or if it's just sheer terror. The thought of being here, in this place, for 40 more years absolutely terrifies me. Have you ever walked into a dark room or somewhere that inspires a feeling of dread and had something scare you so bad that you almost passed out? That's how I feel right now, only to a slightly lesser extent and dragged out over days and weeks instead of just a moment.

Although I don't really see the difference between my daily existence now and one lone, drawn out repeating event. Saturdays and Wednesdays are what I live for to get fulfillment, because that's when I get to play music with other people. I like practicing on my own, don't get me wrong, and I know I need to, but nothing compares to the feeling of solidarity when you're really in a groove with other musicians, things are just clicking, and it's like you're all thinking with one mind.

That never, never, EVER happens here at work, and it can't. This place isn't capable of inspiring that kind of human achievement. No-one here is interested in personal improvement or innovation or exploration. Companies aren't interested in employees thinking for themselves; they're just interested in efficient repetion. Work 8:30 - 5:30 Monday through Friday and take lunch from 12:00 - 1:00. Or skip lunch. Don't worry about food. Only break routine if it results in you doing MORE work. Stay late if there's more work to do, but never leave early if there's less work to do.

I just finished reading Orwell's 1984, and the afterword by Erich Fromm is one of the most poignant pieces of literature I've read. The blending of government and corporate giants in the US is creating an invincible leviathan that's absorbing the human spirit. And it wants everyone. Not content to consume just the soul of man, now it wants women who prefer to stay home to raise a family to feel somehow inferior because of it. It wants to suck them into the abyss of cyclical living because cyclical, mindless automatons suit their purposes. After men and women, it's obvious who'll be next to follow.

Doublethink is probably the most fascinating concept from 1984. It's basically the concept of believing two condradictory things.

War is Peace.

Slavery is Freedom.

2 + 2 = 5.

Employment is security.

People believe these things, and the leviathan creates, supports and nurtures the belief.

"No Credit? No problem!"

"Low Prices, High Quality!"

"Get a lot, Pay a little!"

"I am an Army of One."

You know what those kinds of contrary beliefs lead to? Apathy. Your mind spends time struggling to reconcile the lack of logic and, with little to no support from kindrid minds it eventually burns out and gives up. Acceptance is apathy, but that's what the leviathan wants. The truth of the government/corporation lovechild ruling our world is that it gains power for the sake of power. There is no objective like world peace or general happiness amongst the masses. Power IS the objective. Power is not the means, power is the ends. Power for the sake of power. And power is the ability to crush a person's existence.

Forcing someone to sit in a box and repeat the same mindless activity day in and day out is raw, unadulterated, unholy power. Simply breathing and eating and exercising and buying and selling and driving and talking is NOT living; don't kid yourself.

Apathy is death.

We are the dead.